DAY 20

20 DAYS sounds so much longer then TWO WEEKS and I feel almost silly complaining about my sleep problems last night. I woke up about five times last night, my breasts screaming at me to take notice. I realized I had forgotten to take this miracle drug that Dr. Plastic Surgeon (aka Dr. Hottie) had prescribed for me to help with nerve pain. What a difference without it. I shuffled my sorry self into the kitchen to take one of these bad ass pills and climbed back into my bed hoping that the 12:30am clock would not turn into 3:30am without a wink. I miss sleeping on my side; DAY 20 and I am still sleeping on my back slightly propped up. My breasts each feel like two round super hard baseballs so imagine lying face down on them. Kind of like that playground teeter totter thing we used to play on (back when kids played outside).

Lying on my side is weird because it feels like these new and temporary additions will certainly move and look deformed. The good doctor has assured me this will not happen, but it is more of a feeling then a reality so I avoid it anyway. With all of these thoughts circling my headspace, it is no wonder I am waking up. For those of you out there who have real squishy breasts no matter the size, enjoy their pliability and how they move right along with you. Worship them as a matter of fact, because when that piece of your upper body becomes something different, you really miss the natural movement. Michael, (my partner, not my son because that would be weird) keeps reminding me that this is only temporary and this is pure truth. Since I don’t want to wake him at the wee hours, he can’t remind me of this so I have to call upon my inner strength to remind myself.

What has helped me hands down in falling back to sleep are podcasts, thanks to Michael who introduced them to me about six years ago. (Oxy helps too which for an addictive personality like myself, I am trying not to head to the prescription bottle for the quick fix it provides. I’m also guessing that I don’t have an unlimited supply waiting in the wings. When I went to pick up the prescription after my surgery, I stood there like Nurse Jackie thinking that the pharmacist was sizing up my prescription’s authenticity, ready to give him a flash of my upper body just in case there was any question. Christ, these days you can’t even buy Sudafed without an ID) I was relieved when he didn’t ask me any further questions.

Podcasts have been a helpful tool to help distract my busy mind from turning into a 3:00am spin cycle. What is it with that 3am wakeup call? I have heard that it is usually a strong time to pay attention. Both the best and worst ideas have spun into overdrive at that witching hour called 3:00am and at this point, I just want to have my brain in pretty mode not to mention I want to fucking sleep. Usually reading helps me get right back to sleep, but when my man is next to me, I feel bad putting the light on so podcasts have been a welcome and easy sleep aid. I have quite a few, but am running low as for the past three weeks I have been waking up at least twice per night and have listened to most of them at least two times. Podcasts are great because first off they are free. Secondly, they can be super interesting and when I listen to them, I picture myself sitting around a radio before television was invented and it makes me feel like I am doing something that is not related to technology despite that the podcasts require my phone, I know I am a walking contradiction at times.

As I listen to them, I think, “I could do this.” One more over achieving item to add to my ever growing list of great ideas. Write a book, do a podcast, open a store, non stop creativity that requires a lot of action and even though I am holed up in my house, I still need to realize that I need to slow down, Alayne, I am only twenty days in. WTF. Besides my upper body is starting to feel like it is slowly being shrink wrapped as my stitches and tissue are healing inside and outside and the feeling is bizarre. Powerful and bizarre. Kind of like the way wonder woman must feel as she spins around and she changes from her street clothes to her wonder woman power cape. Trying to see the best of this.

As life and serendipity weave in and out of my life when I am paying attention, two women in two days mentioned the podcast I tried out last night. It grabbed my attention because it was a delicious interview with Mary Oliver, one of my favorite poets. She rarely gives interviews and if I am ever feeling down, I just read one of her poems and I am instantly uplifted so listening to her was even sweeter. The podcast is called On Being with Krista Tippett, her interview was with Mary Oliver, but there are many more interviews with many stellar well known and unknown people.

This is the poem that introduced me to Queen Mary O and is still one of my favorites.

Why I Wake Early. by Mary Oliver

Hello, sun in my face.

Hello, you who made the morning

and spread it over the fields

and into the faces of the tulips

and the nodding morning glories,

and into the windows of, even, the

miserable and the crotchety —

best preacher that ever was,

dear star, that just happens

to be where you are in the universe

to keep us from ever-darkness,

to ease us with warm touching,

to hold us in the great hands of light –

good morning, good morning, good morning.

Watch, now, how I start the day

in happiness, in kindness.

Most of her writings are so human and filled with nature and outdoor beauty. They calm me like a guided meditation and enrich my mind and soul. She is 80 and still writing and I hope I can say that.

My other favorite podcasts are Crimetown, S-Town, Missing Richard Simmons, The Recovery Show, Intelligent Medicine, The Writers Almanac , WITH GARRISON KEILLOR and Meditation Oasis. I love all of them equally. They all make me feel better and are a way better option then getting up and being up then being super tired for the rest of the day. I don’t want to get into this pattern especially as I am limited in my activities right now.

I have been walking a lot and actually tried shopping for some new clothes today a bit. This was a totally stupid idea. The light in the changing room accented every weird new bump and discoloration on my breasts. Trying to slip clothes on and off over my head was idiotic and I had to have my friend come in to the dressing room to help me. Size small tops actually fit, but then I remembered, I don’t have boobs right now so I have not a clue what size top I will be wearing and it is not like I am shopping for ten dollar t shirts. Why am I doing this to myself? So now I am back on the couch getting ready for a nap and putting on my trusty podcasts to give me the nap I need and deserve.

Who knows, maybe I will try to do my own podcasts and start interviewing a collection of superwomen out there. Any volunteers?

Podcasts that make me feel stimulated, smarter and happier.